I think I've always loved looking up at the sky. Especially when it's such a vibrant, deep blue or the thick clouds glow from the setting sun. Even in early January, though the trees are mostly black and barren, the sky can spread a visual warmth. Of course, some days, it's just too cold.
Day by day, I continue to live this life without you. Some days I think about you more than others. On the days I think about you a lot, I realize how much more quiet, empty and bigger the sky seems when I look at it alone. Especially at night. Sometimes I want to stretch my hand towards those glittering stars. But even if I did, would I be closer to reaching them? If I could touch them, would I become happy? Or would I simply realize how small my existence really is?
It was incredibly cold today. Even though my hands were tucked inside my crochet mittens, the tips of my fingers stung, feeling like fragile icicles.
I came home and stumbled across a new song today. It was a piano solo that played at the end of a credit sequence of a movie. Listening to it over and over again, the melody seemed painfully nostalgic. I wonder if I've always loved beautiful songs like this one. Ones that to me, create the feelings of peace and loss at the same time. Maybe because I often feel like my heart is caught between both emotions at the same time.
For a while, my cheeks were hot and I couldn't help but cry. But even my tears ended up leaving a cold trail by the time they get to the bottom of my chin.
The feeling burned through my whole body. "I want to see you." But I know nothing good would come of it. You're happier this way after all. And solitude is probably my punishment for what I did to you. That, at least, I've come to try to accept. But it's still hard to ignore the agonizing emptiness. I think remembering even happy memories is painful. But what's more painful is even when I close my eyes, sometimes I can't stop seeing pieces of dreams that's aren't mean to be.
Sometimes, I think "It must be nice to be able to be able to forget how painful your first love was. Even I want to fall in love again too." And countless times, I wish I could go some place really far away. But somehow, when I imagine that kind of scene, I can't help but think of you. And because you wouldn't be there, I'm alone.
I often think about stories where the girl and guy who once cared for each other so deeply, finally move on, like the movie the song came from. The adult fairy tale cut and glued to fit reality when we realize that childhood fantasies won't cut it. Maybe one day, I'll be able to get to that point too. But for now, stories like that still seem sad to me somehow.
Following the snowflakes with my eyes as they whirled around my feet this morning, I thought of a similar scene where an overjoyed figure danced across a dimly lit lawn.
It was winter back then too when you and I parted. When I didn't know that it would be the last time I'd be able to look into your eyes and and see the you who loved me more than anything in this world.
Meeting someone, coming to like them, slowly building memories and going our separate ways. To me, it's better when the parting is silent, where no words are exchanged. Because I've come to hate saying good-bye. Because I learned I'm still too much of a selfish child to not be able to hold back the overwhelming sense of sudden loneliness.
Maybe that's why I love beautiful songs. The continuous melody says "I'm here to comfort you when you're alone. I'll be here even when you fall asleep. Until you can see that warm, blue sky again."
